Fired: Another Lesson Learned

Son Fickle Fan lost his job a month ago. He was fired. I've been trying to figure out how to share that with all of you--this is my umpteenth attempt--without pointing fingers or giving you the wrong impression. Thus the lag in my posts. But this is a blog about our transition experiences and this qualifies as a dang-blasted transition experience, so there it is. 

It's been painful. When I started this blog, though, it was with the intent to talk about just how transition works for families and their young adult children. Or, sometimes, doesn't work. Transition is a tangled mish mash of sketchy services, piles of paperwork, agency denials, misinformation, and all too little funding. It's also a discovery process of learning and letting go and newfound independence. I think this was a little of both categories.

You don't need to know the whole sordid tale. Things hadn't been going well for months. And then a few weeks ago, while I was at work, I got the call. You know the one. The one from your son who rarely ever uses his cell phone. And just thirty minutes or so after dropping him off at work. This can't be good.

"Mom! (gasping and sobbing) Come quick! I'm in crisis. I got in a fight at work. The police are here."

That call. When I arrived, son Fickle Fan was sitting on the ground, outside the store, with his back up against the wall, crying, shaking, and terrified. It was heartwrenching. 

Long story short, no one was hurt, no charges were filed, but FF had lashed out physically and it was bad enough that the manager did not want him to ever come back. There are a lot of factors involved in the why this happened. The most painful part is that it could have been prevented. We've learned a lot about the need for management (and possibly co-worker) training, the need to help FF understand how to get help when he needs to work through a problem at work, the need for on-the-job support, and on and on. 

FF was devastated. And in a combo of self-protection and crumbling self-esteem, he's decided he does not want to work for now. He's going to focus on school. (More on that some other time.) We have to support him in his choices and help him explore new paths. As tough as that may be.

Probably the most concerning and most gut-churning lesson learned, though, is that once they hear about this episode, people immediately jump to the conclusion that FF is violent. It's so wrong and so unfair, but I understand where that's coming from. FF is a big guy, a teenager, and he has autism. Three strikes. 

Last week, a disability services professional evaluating him for non-employment training asked FF about his job experiences. FF truthfully told her what had happened (TMI honesty being a common characteristic of high functioning autism). She left the room and came back with a release for us to sign, giving her permission to talk with his therapist. She said she couldn't put staff at risk who would be training him in close quarters. I was floored. She obviously had an image of a different person in her mind than the FF I know. I willingly told her to call the therapist, who, I know, will back me up. I felt like crying all afternoon after that appointment.

Here's the thing: Those three strikes I mentioned above? All three are factors, but if he were just a big teenager, people would understand--they'd chalk it up to occasional anger issues and immaturity. A not yet developed pre-frontal cortex. Throw autism into that mix, though, and some people immediately jump to the could-be-a-violent-criminal conclusion. It's the hoodie of our world. 

Years ago, my husband and I were at a party thrown by some friends. I noticed a huge hole in the drywall of the kitchen and asked what had happened. With a wince, they admitted their teenage son had gotten angry and put his fist through the wall. At the time, I was shocked. But now I get it. I can assure you, though, that no one looked at this kid as a potential criminal; as I recall, he was pretty popular in high school. And, now grown, is he sitting behind bars somewhere?  Of course not! After finishing his master's degree, he got a very good job, married and has a family. His parents are very proud of him.

That nasty cocktail of emotion, adrenaline, and testosterone coursing through the veins of some teenage males whose brains are still developing can cause some seriously scary incidents. But we understand that they will mature; the incidents will become fewer as they enter their twenties. 

Does that mean we don't need to pay attention to the autism factor? Nope. The "zero-to sixty-in-no-time-flat anger problem when triggered by specific circumstances" (belittling, mocking, being physicially or emotionally backed into a corner) may be a manifestation of his teenage brain, but I the out-of-proportion reaction to those circumstances could still be autism. I'm told he'll mature and the anger will probably subside with age, but until then FF needs help with figuring out how to identify and escape those every-now-and-then situations before the volcanic eruption occurs. Thus the therapist. 

I don't think FF is the only teen with autism going through this problem. And he's certainly not the only teen who's also had anger issues while learning how to drive, work a first job, or take classes. Many, many children with autism who have tantrums and rages, grow to be teens who have fewer of those problems, but who still have them--occasionally. And many of those teens--so the experts tell me--grow to be young adults whose now-and-then anger issues have abated and who are able to live productive lives.

Still trying to make that happen.