Step Back, Mom! Or How I Became a Rhinoceras

A few weeks ago, I received an early Mother's Day present from 22-year-old Daughter Dearest. She  sat me down and after a deep breath, oh-so politely told me to back off. 

I think the actual exchange went something like this:

DD: (with a This-Is-Big portent and hesitency) Mom, I need to tell you something.

Me: (cautiously) Okaaaay, is this something you talked about with your therapist?

DD: Yes. 

Me: Alright, good. What is it?

DD: (slowly at first, but picking up steam) I need to start speaking up for myself more, so you need to stop doing it for me. I mean, you're really good at it, and I appreciate that, but I need to start talking for myself. The problem is that when you're with me and you take the lead in those situations, it makes me look incapable.

Me: (dumbfounded) You're absolutely right. I'm sorry if I tend to step in with doctors or advisors when we meet with them. 

DD: It's okay. It's just that you've always been good at knowing what questions to ask and what to say in those situations, but I need to learn how to do it for myself now.

Me: I'm okay with that. Really. And, in fact, I think you just handled that--talking to me--very well. Nice job, DD!...So, do you want me to make that call to your advisor about the career assessments, or do you want to do it on your own?

DD: (laughing and now realizing the responsibility she's taking on) I want to make the call, but it's okay for you to coach me so I know what to say. Okay?

Me: Absolutely!  


Definitely a shocker. About 7.8 on the Richter scale, actually. When we list DD's strengths, Avoiding Confrontation is right there holding first place. During those times when she does need to get her point across, she's usually passive aggressive to the nth degree. Just the opposite of her brother, who has no problem adovcating for himself, which he often does inappropriately, but he's certainly out front about it. 

We've always suspected DD was born with that retract-into-her-shell tendency, but it's possible that her Aspieness, her OCD, and growing up with a brother who spent a lot of time railing and gnashing against the world also hindered her abilty to learn to advocate for herself. 

Trouble is, those of us who are autism moms can become very skilled at advocacy. You discover it's a must-have skill early on. But after all of the IEP meetings, therapy sessions, appoinments with specialists, talks with well-meaning but completely untrained classroom volunteers, explanations to pee-wee league coaches, and run-ins with judgmental fellow shoppers in the aisles of the grocery store, you realize you've grown a Stand-Back, Kids, I've-Got-This shield. In fact, I suspect I've developed rhinoceras tendencies. Typically peaceful, but ready to charge whenever the situation arises. 

So now I find myself in the position--at least with DD--of retired rhinoceras. Which is really how it should be. Actually, not completely retired--I still need to provide a nudge now and then. 

When I look back at DD's little chat with me, I realize it was just a fantastic demonstration of effective, appropriate self-advocacy. No anger, no defensiveness. She was pretty calm. Complimented me while simultaneously telling me to step back. I have to say, it was a gosh darn, textbook example of how to put someone in their place. Even if the someone was me. 

Good for her. Good for her therapist for coaching her. Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow rhinoceri!