A few weeks ago, I received an early Mother's Day present from 22-year-old Daughter Dearest. She sat me down and after a deep breath, oh-so politely told me to back off.
I think the actual exchange went something like this: DD: (with a This-Is-Big portent and hesitency) Mom, I need to tell you something. Me: (cautiously) Okaaaay, is this something you talked about with your therapist? DD: Yes. Me: Alright, good. What is it? DD: (slowly at first, but picking up steam) I need to start speaking up for myself more, so you need to stop doing it for me. I mean, you're really good at it, and I appreciate that, but I need to start talking for myself. The problem is that when you're with me and you take the lead in those situations, it makes me look incapable. Me: (dumbfounded) You're absolutely right. I'm sorry if I tend to step in with doctors or advisors when we meet with them. DD: It's okay. It's just that you've always been good at knowing what questions to ask and what to say in those situations, but I need to learn how to do it for myself now. Me: I'm okay with that. Really. And, in fact, I think you just handled that--talking to me--very well. Nice job, DD!...So, do you want me to make that call to your advisor about the career assessments, or do you want to do it on your own? DD: (laughing and now realizing the responsibility she's taking on) I want to make the call, but it's okay for you to coach me so I know what to say. Okay? Me: Absolutely!
Definitely a shocker. About 7.8 on the Richter scale, actually. When we list DD's strengths, Avoiding Confrontation is right there holding first place. During those times when she does need to get her point across, she's usually passive aggressive to the nth degree. Just the opposite of her brother, who has no problem adovcating for himself, which he often does inappropriately, but he's certainly out front about it. We've always suspected DD was born with that retract-into-her-shell tendency, but it's possible that her Aspieness, her OCD, and growing up with a brother who spent a lot of time railing and gnashing against the world also hindered her abilty to learn to advocate for herself. Trouble is, those of us who are autism moms can become very skilled at advocacy. You discover it's a must-have skill early on. But after all of the IEP meetings, therapy sessions, appoinments with specialists, talks with well-meaning but completely untrained classroom volunteers, explanations to pee-wee league coaches, and run-ins with judgmental fellow shoppers in the aisles of the grocery store, you realize you've grown a Stand-Back, Kids, I've-Got-This shield. In fact, I suspect I've developed rhinoceras tendencies. Typically peaceful, but ready to charge whenever the situation arises. So now I find myself in the position--at least with DD--of retired rhinoceras. Which is really how it should be. Actually, not completely retired--I still need to provide a nudge now and then. When I look back at DD's little chat with me, I realize it was just a fantastic demonstration of effective, appropriate self-advocacy. No anger, no defensiveness. She was pretty calm. Complimented me while simultaneously telling me to step back. I have to say, it was a gosh darn, textbook example of how to put someone in their place. Even if the someone was me. Good for her. Good for her therapist for coaching her. Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow rhinoceri!
Last week Daughter Dearest learned how to speak up for herself at work. Cheers, whistles, fireworks, and woohoos are in order!
DD's been working a part-time job at Kohl's for about 10 months, which is still great for her. Her schedule, however, varies greatly--10 hours one week to 28 hours the next. And that's the problem. She would really like to keep her hours to somewhere around 12-15 hours per week, something she told them when she first started. More than 20 hours puts her on edge and increases her level of anxiety to about a 4 1/2 on the 1-to-5 scale. Not good.
She's also taking a summer class at Ivy Tech, which started this week. Given her Asperger's, it's a lot. Trouble is, she's never declared her Asperger's to Kohl's human resources department. And I understand that--she just doesn't want people looking at her differently.
But DD loathes confrontation and is just now, at the ripe old age of 21, learning to speak up for herself in a calm, appropriate, effective way. She's being coached on this, both at home and with her therapist, but it's still tough. For the past several months, we've explored ways to help her communicate the message--"I need fewer hours, please!"--to her managers. We explained that it's really not a big deal for Kohl's managers, that they probably hear about scheduling issues from employees all the time.
DD's no longer working with her employment services provider (you have 90 days with them following date-of-hire), but I'm sure they, too, would have been willing to coach her through this. But, again, that involves calling someone on the phone and saying, "I have a problem."
And then there's the tortured thought process. Each time her schedule would balloon with hours--this week it's 38--she would think that it was because the person doing the schedule was purposely disregarding her need to keep her hours below 15 per week. We tried explaining that it was much more likely that she was a reliable employee who did her job well and was there on time. They count on her. Or it could be that there are fewer workers in the summer, with vacations and students who've left town, so Kohl's needs to put her on the schedule more often.
So last week, in despair seeing that she was again on the schedule for 32 hours, DD forced herself to go into work on an off day. She sat in the parking lot for 30 minutes steeling herself for the conversation to come. And. Then. She. Did. It. Took all of 5 minutes.
"Hey, Bob, I need to talk to you for a minute about my schedule. I'm taking a class this semester and I really need to keep my hours to about 12."
"Oh, okay. Could you do 15 sometimes?"
"Sure, I could do that."
"Okay, not a problem, I'll just leave a note for Pam [the scheduler]." Heart restarts. Breathing continues. Heavens part. Huge weight comes off the shoulders. Smile re-emerges.
Ironically, this week DD discovered the mystery of the way-too-many-hours schedules. Turns out Kohl's "rewards" employees who sell more credit applications to customers (something DD just HATES doing) by giving them more hours. Lately more of her customers have been filling out apps, thereby moving DD up a notch on the favored employee list.
The wonderful thing is that DD learned how to advocate for herself and found that it's not the huge obstacle she made it out to be. It's actually pretty doable. The firmament will not split in two. People won't think she's a horrible person. Meteors will not fall from the sky. Pestilence will not consume the earth. Hallelujah! Now we're holding our breath for the ultimate reinforcer--seeing that the scheduling manager has followed through and lightened her load a bit.
